By Donna Kane, MA, CT
Losing a loved one to suicide is a profoundly painful and complex experience, one that can leave survivors with unanswered questions and deep feelings of grief. During certain times of the year, especially around holidays or birthdays, this grief can feel even heavier as the memories of lost loved ones become more pronounced. For those who have experienced this kind of loss, support from friends and family can be essential to healing.
Reaching out to someone grieving a suicide loss can be challenging, often evoking a mix of empathy, uncertainty, and a desire to help in meaningful ways. Our best intentions, however, can sometimes lead us to say things that unintentionally add to their pain or cause us to avoid the conversation altogether. If you or someone you know wants to offer comfort to a survivor of suicide loss, these tips may help guide your words and actions in a caring, compassionate way.
Provide reassurance. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” Suicide loss is complicated and devastating, and there are no easy answers or quick fixes. Rather than trying to find the perfect words, offer a non-judgmental, patient listening ear for the survivor to express their emotions—anger, frustration, fear, relief, or any other reaction.
Refrain from saying, “I understand what you’re going through.” Suicide loss is unlike any other loss, and you may not truly understand what the survivor feels. Acknowledging this can reassure them that their grief is unique and valid.
Avoid intrusive questions. If the survivor doesn’t bring up the details of the death, assume they would rather not discuss it. Extend a gentle invitation, such as, “If you ever want to talk about what happened, I’m here to listen.” This shows your willingness to engage without pressuring them to relive painful details.
Avoid advice and hurtful clichés. If children are involved, avoid unsolicited suggestions and phrases like “They’re in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “You’ll get over it.” Opt for simpler expressions of care, such as “I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
Avoid judgment. Avoid statements that imply suicide is a selfish or sinful choice. Judgment can amplify pain. Providing compassionate support can help ease their guilt rather than adding to it.
Be proactive about offering help. In the aftermath of suicide loss, people may struggle to know what help they need or feel uncomfortable asking. Practical offers—such as running errands, bringing meals, or simply spending time with them—can alleviate some of their initial burdens.
Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who died. Mentioning the deceased by name or recalling shared memories can be comforting, allowing survivors to feel their loved one is still remembered.
Be present. Grief after suicide loss can be long-lasting, and survivors often need support well beyond the initial weeks. Staying connected over time lets them know they’re not alone in their journey, even as life moves on for others.
These gentle approaches can make a significant difference, offering understanding and compassion to someone grieving a suicide loss.
JCS Grief Counselors offer support, guidance, comfort, and hope to children, teens, and adults who have experienced the death of someone significant in their life. For additional information, visit jcsbaltimore.org/grief.
Donna Kane, MA, CT, is a Grief Clinician at Jewish Community Services.
Jewish Community Services (JCS) provides programs and services for people of all ages and backgrounds, helping them achieve their goals, enhance their wellbeing, and maximize their independence.
To learn more, visit jcsbalt.org or 410-466-9200.
