By Donna Kane, MA, CT
Children process grief differently from adults, and if it is not addressed, it can lead to long-term emotional challenges. The loss of a grandparent, other family member, friend, or pet can leave children feeling scared, confused, and alone. According to the National Alliance for Grieving Children, 1 in 14 kids will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18. This doesn’t account for other significant losses like pets or grandparents. Unresolved grief can linger and affect their emotional well-being later in life.
When my friend Emily’s family dog, Max, passed away, it hit her son harder than she could have ever imagined. Max had been his constant companion since he was a toddler—always there for playtime, bedtime cuddles, and even those tough days when nothing seemed to go right. For Emily and her family, losing Max wasn’t just losing a pet; it was losing a best friend, a confidant, and a source of comfort. Emily shared with me that watching her son grieve for Max truly opened her eyes to how deeply children can feel the pain of loss.
As a grief clinician, I’ve seen firsthand how challenging it can be for families to help children through such tough times. If you’re supporting a child through a similar situation, you know how heart-wrenching it is to witness their pain. You want to ease their suffering but finding the right approach can be difficult. With compassion, honesty, and some practical strategies, you can guide them through this challenging time and help them begin to heal. Here are some tips to help you support your child in this challenging time.
Be Truthful and Honest
“Children need clear, honest explanations about death, but those explanations should be tailored to their age and understanding,” I often tell parents. This helps explain your own tears and pain and can model for your child how to mourn. When Max passed away, Emily explained to her son that Max had died, meaning he wouldn’t be with them anymore. She avoided saying things like “Max went to sleep” to prevent any confusion. For other losses, like a grandparent, you might explain that they’ve passed away and now they’re in a place where they can rest peacefully.
Encourage Emotional Expression
Grief can stir up a whirlwind of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, even guilt. Encourage your child to express these feelings in a way that feels comfortable for them. Some children might find comfort in drawing, writing, or talking about their feelings. Emily’s son found solace in drawing pictures of Max and sharing his favorite memories. The key is to let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling.
Keep Routines Intact
Maintaining a sense of normalcy can be incredibly comforting for a grieving child. Ensuring daily routines remain consistent, even though things feel different, like bedtime stories and family meals, helps children feel secure during an uncertain time.
Listen and Validate Their Feelings
Sometimes, children just need to be heard. They may have questions about why a loved one had to die, and listening without interrupting helps them share their feelings. Whether they’re grieving a pet, a grandparent, or anyone else, children need to know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to ask questions and express their emotions. Listening without judgment helps them feel understood and less alone.
Offer Reassurance and Comfort
After a loss, children might worry about losing other loved ones. Reassure them daily that they are safe and loved. If your child has lost a grandparent, for example, they might fear that other grandparents or parents could be next. Regular reassurance can help ease these fears.
Incorporate Healing Rituals
Age-appropriate activities to remember loved ones can be a powerful way for children to process grief and keep their loved ones’ memories alive. Making a bracelet, a memory box, or other similar activities can serve as a tool for their healing journey.
Promote Social Connections
Spending time with friends and family can greatly comfort a grieving child. Emily’s son found solace in spending time with his cousins, who shared their stories of losing pets. These connections help children see that they aren’t alone in their grief. Whether it’s friends, family, or even a support group, being around others who care can help a child feel supported.
Final Thoughts
Helping a child cope with grief is a challenging but important task. With honesty, patience, and a lot of love, you can guide your child through this tough time and help them emerge stronger on the other side. Every child’s grief journey is unique, so it’s important to be patient and flexible as they navigate their emotions.
Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. There are resources, support groups, and professionals available to help you and your child through the grieving process.
Together, you can find a way to honor the memory of the one who’s gone while embracing the love and support that remains.
Donna Kane, MA, CT, is a Grief Clinician at Jewish Community Services.
Jewish Community Services (JCS) provides programs and services for people of all ages and backgrounds, helping them achieve their goals, enhance their wellbeing, and maximize their independence.
To learn more, visit jcsbalt.org or 410-466-9200.
